Exactly What You'd Think Would Happen to Me

Well, I performed again last night. I wrote a really tight set, about 4 minutes long. I'd been using my blogs for material and writing new topical stuff to drop in with the stuff I've been writing for about a year now.

Last week, my car was broken into and my laptop, briefcase and tape recorder were stolen. Because of that, I had to go out and buy a new tape recorder. I was really happy because I found a cheap digital voice recorder that doesn't need tape and looked like it would do the trick.

I got it before class at Wal-Mart and went over. I had a few beers to loosen me up a bit because I get REALLY nervous. I didn't realize how fast I was drinking and by the time class started, I had a bit too much. It was cheap because I got a pitcher for 6 bucks and someone else bought me a beer or two. All this drinking, in about an hour.

So, when class rolls around to the performance, I'd been FURIOUSLY trying to remember my set, get the list written down and work out the flow a bit.

I get on stage, and fucking BOMBED. Forgot almost every line.. The stage at the cabaret is REALLY small, and only elevated about 6 inches from the floor. It's basically a raised floor big enough for you to stand on and walk about two steps either way.

I was tipsy... but not drunk. Just tipsy enough to forget everything and have heavy feet. I get up there, do about two jokes before I start to just lose it. I tried keeping my cool and backing up a bit, only to fall off the fucking stage. At that point, I did one more "joke" (joke is in quotations because while it was technically a joke, I didn't remember the punch line, put the mike back and walked off.)

Ok... really pissed. It was stupid of me and I totally deserved it. I figured at that point, with me going 5th in the lineup I could sober up a bit and get myself back together again.

I do that. I drank a ton of soda, sat in a quiet place and just worked at getting my stuff down. I'd wrote two jokes in class and I wanted to open with them, so I got the wording down quickly.

The comics before me were good.. they had good sets and I was intimidated following them. I understand now what it means when a comic says they can't follow someone.. because when they're rolling it sets a high bar for you to come out of the gate with and they may wear the audience out.
So, my name gets called. I press record on my fancy new device and head up to the stage... at this point, I'm just thinking that if I can get a minute out and not totally wreck it, I'd be happy.

I led off with the jokes I wrote in class and a one liner I've kept in my back pocket for about a year now. I tried it onstage one time and it bombed so badly, it still makes my brain itch.

I get up there, look once at my set list and start going.

The audience was great and pretty well warmed up... but no one before me even did the topics I was hitting on which was fantastic.

I won't say it very much and I feel like an asshole saying it, but.. I fucking nailed it.

I was hitting on all cylinders, remembered EVERYTHING, right down to my exact wording and the audience was really digging it. I tied the whole set together through a logical progression and they just followed right along. I said a few redundant things because I have those shitty vocal ticks (everyone has them, it's a phrase or action you do when you speak nervously) but nothing terribly noticable.

I was really fucking happy when I got off stage and a couple of comics came over and complimented me on my set, which was great..

I stayed a long while to watch the other comics and I was really happy.

I got into the car and decided I'd finally listen to my performance.

The FUCKING recording is TERRIBLE. You can *barely* make out my voice. All you can hear is "mhmhmhmhmh" then laughter.

I finally get a really good fucking set together and I can't even hear it. I wanted to punch the President of RCA's wife in the babymaker. I've been livid all day. I get my first really good performance and this is what happens.

That's my life in a nut shell.

Here's the set I did, you probably have read most of it before:

Britney Spears shaved her head and the pictures are ALL over the internet. I
started looking at them and they inevitably led to pictures of her vagina..
which from the looks of it lost in 12 rounds to Apollo Creed.
Did you ever
hear the old joke "What's the worst part about eating a vegetable?" "Getting her
out of the wheelchair.." Well, it's not.. it's finding one with a puppy so you
can threaten to kill it if she tells anyone.
Who hasn't slept with Anna
Nicole smith? I know why she moved to the Carribean now.. there was a 24 hour
Congo line leading into her vagina.
They still haven't buried her. I was
watching the press conference today and she's decomposing right now, in the
morgue. The guy was sitting there saying they've gotta bury her in the next
week. I think the exact quote was "She's starting to decompose to the point
where we can't even fuck her anymore."
That sounds like the way you want to
go, doesn't.. some creepy coroner sneaking into your freezer and t-bagging you
while your eyeballs fall out and roll across the floor.
Something else I saw
this week was that they haven't even buried James Brown yet. I told my wife that
if it ever gets that bad, I just want her to throw me somewhere and let
some animals eat me or something. Ashes to Ashes.. all that shit.. Let some wild
animal have his way with your body. Just let some bear chew on your taint.. Mine
smells like onions, he'd probably enjoy it. .
At least then you've done
something to benefit some living being and it won't be an excuse for a shitty
relative to get a day off. I say this because most of my relatives are
shitty and I'll see them plenty when I haunt them during holidays and when they
masturbate….especially my grandmother…. MMMM.
The whole "returning to the
earth" thing is utter bullshit. It really is. No one wants to return to the
earth. People want their bodies to be untouched and sealed away so it doesn't
get turned into worm shit.
Unless you want to make a semi-attractive zombie
when Michael Jackson "thrills" you out of your grave, there's absolutely no
reason... Even then you'll just want to eat brains and diddle 12 year old cancer
kids...
Another thing I told her to do was to drop me out of an airplane in
the wilderness somewhere close to a highway or trail. That way, in about ten
years when some stupid hikers are JUST about to find their way out, they'll see
my skull and lose all hope of rescue.
"I think we're going to make it! I
think I hear a car... Ahhhhhhhhh fuck."