I had my thursday night show last week, which I thought went really well. I don't take compliments well and when it comes to my comedy, I'm incredibly critical of myself.
It came off pretty good, but there's at least 20 things in there that I picked out that make me want to get capture by an insurgent and hope he saws my fat head off.
I never realized how fat I've gotten until just now. I still think I'm about 100 lbs. lighter (about 5 years ago now...)when I was actually in good shape and it really irritated me. I took my shirt off the other day and looked at myself in the mirror. After seeing all the stretch marks I should be renamed Rand McNally. (Yes, that was a hack atlas/road map joke.)
Anyways, it went ok and people have been complimentary.. I just hated it because that's the reason I am the way I am. Every verbal tick, every stutter made me want to turn off the video.. but after it all, I guess I'm happy.
I only wrote one or two things this week because I'm lazy and lack motivation. It showed this week when I went on stage and although it got a reaction, there was a crowd there sitting up front that did not like anything I had to say. I guess that comes with the first thing you do when you hit the stage is asking them if they had a bluetooth headset and following that up with telling the person that said they did have one that you want to shit in their mouth.
I'm a crowd pleaser. (Note: Now I want to shit in their mouth even more.)
I followed that up by going into my "kids as an accomplishment" bit by saying I really hated the person that said they thought theirs was. They really loved me... and that's if loving me is sitting there with no reaction while I make jokes about my the Kool-Aid man receiving fellatio from 8 year olds)
Well, where does this all come back around?
I wrote this bit this week and I don't have an honest gauge on it because I was so fixated on the crowd up front... and I've been obsessed with my weight the last few days and this caught my eye in the news. The premise is 100% true, by the way.
I just saw on the news that Pro-Anorexia and Bulimia groups are targeting
Myspace. That's right.. PRO-Anorexia groups. Nothing says sexy like having to
swat the flies away from a chick's face before you try to hook up with her
because she looks like she comes from Ethiopia.
Their myspace spam
must be a treat "Hey Fatty, you're about two shits and a good vomit away from
looking your best. Come join Stupid c-word's 'starving' for
Attention."
For anyone who's interested... I figured out the dating
strategy for those chicks.. take her out to dinner and bang her while she
throws up in the toilet afterwards. You're just standing behind her doing your
thing and saying "Yeah, I know honey.. no one will love you until you're skinny
and dead… Don't get any chunks on my shoes"
I looked at
some of these girls pictures on myspace. They look so skinny you could roll them
on your penis like a condom. You'd even have to pinch the top of their head for
that little fountain tip thing.
Here's a little known fact.
Remember Terry Schiavo? She was anorexic. It's the reasons she had her stroke.
Kind of ironic that she ended life as one of the four major groups of things she
hated so much.
It's not like I'm one to talk about weight
control. I'm getting so fat that when I sit down on the toilet, it smells
like I've been sitting in an onion patch all day.
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